bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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