i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
