just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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