I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
