I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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