6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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