Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize