Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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