If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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