Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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