In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
