Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize