im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
