Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
