your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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