I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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