so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Welp...herpes.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
