I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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