that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
