Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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