hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it's like iHOP with fire
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
