Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
