Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
