Your tits are I can't wait for
I intend to get homeless drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Found your dick twin last night
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
