about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
