I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i believe in u and ur pee
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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