So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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