and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
