he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
