I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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