3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm eating all of the evidence.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
