woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
