I bet he comes in French.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
