Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
