Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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