There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
