I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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