he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize