my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
