Cold hands, warm shart.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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