I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
