I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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