i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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