Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
