Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
