sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
