I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
