I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
