Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
