I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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