Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
