mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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