Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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