woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
