My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
