theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
this will be a night to untag.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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